Break ups are brutal but they do not have to be ugly.

As far as it is up to you, even if the other person is a jerk, be mature, polite and assertive when breaking up.

If you are here, I assume your mind is made up, but if you are still on the fence on whether or not you should leave him, read this article to help you decide.

The basics of a mature, polite and assertive break up are always do it over a conversation and never via text. Either call him or do it in person.

Next, do it in private. Never break up with someone in public or in front of mutual friends.

A coffee shop or an open park is alright if you do not want to be alone just the two of you. 

Finally, if you are leaving him for someone else, which is never a good move by the way, just be honest.

Otherwise you will leave him thinking that it was his fault when really it was all about you.

With that, here are the exact steps for the break up itself.

1. Help him to understand the issues

Begin by asking him if you can talk about the relationship.

Then bring up the reasons why you would like to break up. Do not start listing them but rather pose them as question.

“Hey, can we talk about us. Have you noticed that it seems like we can’t stop fighting? Is this healthy? Do you think things between us can ever get better?”

Remember you are not accusing him of something. You are asking a question. If he did do something, you can say,

“We have talked about this issue a million times and you have apologized just as many times but even though I know you are sorry, how am I supposed to trust you after you cheated on me? Do you see things ever going back to the way they used to be?”

You could also be direct and ask:

“are you happy in this relationship?” “should things really be this hard?”

2. Listen to him expressing himself.

Either he will agree with you that your problems are significant or he will brush them off. Let him speak and present his perspective on your relationship.

This is where assertiveness comes in. You know you need to break up. You see it. Do not let him sweet talk you into staying.

Even if he does not see your problems as significant, if they really bother you, it does not matter. You will be even more unhappy if you let him talk you into staying.

3. After listen to him, explain that you want to break up.

Express your honest feelings about the situation and how you came to the conclusion that a break up will be best for the two of you.

Do not beat around the bush or try to hide the real reason because it will only make it harder for him to understand.

I know you want to save face and spare his feelings but you will leave him confused and blaming himself if you don’t just tell him the truth in a tactful way.

If you are leaving for someone else (bad idea but its better than cheating) say,

“I really did like/love you and I do not want to hurt you but it won’t be fair to either of us if I stay with you and we both know I like/love person X.”

If it is because of the constant fighting, say,

“I do not think that this relationship is healthy. We cannot stop fighting and it is emotionally draining. We are both good people but we bring out the ugliness in each other. We can’t keep doing this. We need to break up.”

If he cheated,

“I cannot be with you knowing what I know. I feel betrayed and hurt. If I stay I cannot trust you and it will only make me more insecure.”

The point is to explain the feelings and thought process that brought you to this conclusion.

4. Remain firm in your decision

A lot of women remain in relationships they want out of until the man chooses it is time to break up.

Often, every time you they try to break up, he seduces her or sweet talks her into staying.

A few days or even hours later, she regrets her decision but feels like she needs to give him some time before trying to leave him again.

It will be harder the second time. Just break up with him once and for all. Remain assertive.

If he becomes angry or if he cries and begs or even if he is just stunned and confused, rip the band aid and do not agree to patching things up right now.

Maybe you can reconsider later, but not today and not now.
Breaking up is hard. Do not try to avoid that by staying in a bad relationship.

At the end of the conversation, how ever long it takes, walk out of there single.
Even if he is stubborn and does not ‘agree’ to the break up, a relationship takes two active participants. If you want out, you are out.

Breaking up is not asking for permission, it is kindly telling someone that you cannot do this with him anymore.

Be understanding but not self sacrificial.

5. Give them time

Whether they ask for it or not, give them time to grieve the end of the relationship. You also need time to let go.

Do not be the girl who breaks up with him but still wants things to remain the same. You can still be friends but take some time apart to get used to your new normal.

If you need someone to talk to, find a friend, do not run back to him. These mixed messages will only hurt him more.

If you need someone to help you do repairs in your house and it just has to be a man, call your brother or your cousin. Point is, give him space.

Breaking up, as I have said before, is not easy. You may even still be in love with him but things just don’t seem to be heading anywhere healthy and steady. 

It is okay to be the one who pulls the cord. It hurts but you will be fine sis.